I had a ton of goals at the end of last year and at the beginning of January that included a ton of blog posts that I was so excited to create and share with you. Then I allowed myself to be distracted by life, and here we are almost mid February and I am posting for the first time this year. This post was not planned, I sat down last week to write a couple of posts, but I just wasn’t connecting to the words that I had typed out, or to the pictures on the screen. So I once again put down my laptop and walked away. Today though, I felt the need to write. Not about anything that this blog is normally about but just life stuff. I rarely share much about my personal life, but today I felt the need to write about something deeply personal to me. I have been single for a very long time. Confidence has always been an issue for me, the idea of putting myself out there was tough and I found it easier to hide. So while my friends, family and what seemed like the rest of the world was putting themselves out there and living the highs and lows of romantic entanglements, I stayed single, watching from the sidelines. There were moments when I made a slight effort, but the second anything seemed difficult I went running back to solitary living like a safety blanket I couldn’t give up. The truth is that I have spent the majority of my life feeling like I am unworthy of love and my lack of a significant other only further proved this theory to myself. Last year though I decided to make a genuine effort in the romantic relationship area of my life, and I was elated when I finally met someone who I actually enjoyed spending time with. When he told me he loved me, I believed him. It was the first time in my entire life that I was really excited about the possibilities that a romantic relationship could hold. This is not to say that there were not hiccups. There were moments when I questioned whether he was really interested in me, whether he had fallen out of love with me, whether we were both on the same page. When I addressed this with him, I was told that it was just my insecurities that made me feel this way and if there were issues he would talk to me about it. Stupidly I believed him. Tomorrow was going to be our 6 month anniversary and yesterday he was talking about the restaurant that he had made reservations at. We were going to just hang out today and spend some time with each other. This morning he FaceTimed me to break up with me and I stupidly didn’t see it coming. We hadn’t been fighting and I missed the subtle hints that this was coming. The conversation lasted three minutes and I didn’t say much except for “ok” and “bye”. Right now I am hurt, I am shocked and I am very very sad. I wish that I could just tell myself that he is an asshole and not worthy of my energy and time, but the truth is that I really do love him and I can’t just turn it off so easily. I know that the love I feel will dissipate with time, but for now I feel bad for still feeling it. I am also back to questioning my ability to be loved and I think that is what hurts the most. Despite my insecurity about not being loveable, I know that I will be ok otherwise. Life will go on and how I live my life moving forward is in my hands, even though I can’t imagine ever putting myself out there again. I have survived much worse then this. I know that 6 months is not a long time to be in a relationship and that I am very lucky that I am out of it now rather then waste years of my life on someone whom was not on the same page as I was. It still stings.
Thank you for bearing with me as I put my feelings down on this post, I really felt the need to write about it just now. I will be back soon with tons of new posts on design, architecture and all things Stylishly Zen!
I hope that you are having a wonderful weekend and talk soon! XXS
Quote by Nayyirah Waheed, Image via Google Images